If Wishes Were Horses, Beggars Would Ride

I got a wonderful opportunity today to teach about 20 women at our church about freezer cooking. You know -- where you cook it all in one day and freeze it? (see Today in Jen's Kitchen) My mom and I have done this for years. My heart for ministry these days lies with young wives and young moms. So many were latchkey kids whose mom had to work. There is a huge generation of young women who have missed the wonderful teachings about home from their mom or grandma.

I love that kind of thing, so today was really fun. I talked about cooking, did some cooking (how DO those cooking show people do that?), we all ate some of my cooking, and then I briefly touched on coupons and saving money. A pretty good time was had by all.

Then Hunk O Man picked me up and we drove over to Sonic for a half-price Coke. Sonic has happy hour from 2-4PM, so their drinks are half off.

Now you probably know that Sonic is a drive-in. Like the old-fashioned kind, where you pull up to the menu and order and the people roller-skate out to bring you your food.

So we're sitting there, and there's a truck with a man and a woman next to us on my side. It's a warm day, so everyone's windows are down, and I notice that he is a middle-aged "painted" man with lots of tattoos. Cool! I think: I'll bet he has a story. I'd love to hear it. I thought I might speak to him, but it was awkward, so I just looked away.

Then he pushed the button to order, and this is what we heard between High-Pitched Animated Cheerleader-sounding Sonic Girl and him. Be sure to add the eastern Carolina drawl in your head:

HPACSSG: Hi, welcome to Sonic, what can I get for you today?
Painted Man: I'd like a large Diet Coke and a medium Blue Coconut freeze.
HPACSSG: OK, a large Diet Coke and medium Blue Coconut freeze? Is that all? Would you like some cheesy tots or anything else?
Painted Man: Yeah. A bag of money.
HPACSSG: Oh, um, we don't have bags of money. Sorry about that . . .
(brief pause)
But we do have bags of ice!
Painted Man: Nope, I don't need no ice. Just a bag of money.
HPACSSG: Well we don't have bags of money. But you know, you could buy the bag of ice and maybe sell it for a bag of money.
Painted Man: Nah, don't think so.
HPACSSG: Are ya sure?
Painted Man: Yep.
HPACSSG: Ok then, a large Diet Coke and a medium Blue Coconut freeze and no bags of ice or money. That'll be $1.76. Thank you for choosing Sonic!


Hunk O Man and I nearly fell out of the car laughing. It was one of those priceless moments you rarely get to witness.

God, please bless that man with a bag of money today, even if it's just some change leftover in a fast-food sack. Thank you for Jesus, our Saviour, Amen.

xoxox

Bible Trivia Nights

Hunk O Man has been trying to stump the girls at the dinner table. They're all PK (Preacher's Kids) so they should know some stuff about the bible, right? I mean, you don't sing things like "Zaccheus was a wee little man . . ." and "The B-I-B-L-E" for years and years without learning something, right?

Well, JB has really gotten into it. No surprise, really, because she's the brainiac of our house.

So the other night, Hunk O Man asks this: Why did Mary and Joseph go to Bethlehem?

JB frowns. She is stumped.

Hunk O Man gives her a hint. "Remember? All the inns were full? Why would that be?"

(we read the Christmas story, directly from Luke 2, EVERY YEAR)

JB: "Oh! I know! Because it was Christmastime!"

Talk About Funny

GIVEAWAY IS BELOW --KEEP SCROLLING --

I watched this night before last. I nearly wet my pants I laughed so hard.

No kidding. I don't think I've laughed so hard at a movie since I saw Patch Adams.

Go rent Leatherheads right now.

(Try not to shoot Diet Coke out your nose, though,
and thereby get your popcorn all wet)

xox

Comedians Live for these Moments

Last night, watching Peter Pan rehearsal was a bit like watching Wally the Director trying to keep several ping-pong balls underwater at the same time. They were going over some scenes with the Lost Boys-- all of whom are an average age of about nine.

I sat reading my new book, "The Shack," and trying not to laugh out loud.

I nearly failed at one point when the Lost Boys were asking Wendy to tell them the "end of the story" of several fairy tales. And then, one asks:

"Tell us the end of Ham-a-lette."

Ham-a-lette?

Oh, the things going thru my mind.

"I'd like a western hamalette, please."
"No, I don't want a big ham steak, just a hamalette please."
"It's not a big ham. It's a little bitty hamalette."
"That's not a boy ham, stupid. It's a girl. She's a Ham-a-lette!"

I successfully refrained from laughing, but I still didn't get much book reading done. Wally corrected the pronounciation by the child, and all the while I'm wondering why?

As I said goodbye to Wally, he likened the entire evening to "herding cats."

I came home to find a couple of girls nestled in my bed, eating dinner and bowls of ice cream and watching my tv.

(And the answer would be no, truly nothing really is sacred these days)

So I plopped down in the chair and Barbie started talking about something -- can't remember what -- and JB was texting on the phone, and Barbie decided to change positions. So she arranged herself on her stomach, with her head at the end of the bed facing me, and kept talking.

JB decided to do the same. And then Barbie wanted the phone.

And their heads collided. It was a funny moment, and I went into a laughing/coughing fit truly appropriate for a critical condition intensive care TB ward.

They also laughed. Barbie exclaimed that JB's head was "So hard!" I agreed. JB has a round head, like her daddy. Like Charlie Brown.

Now Barbie has a narrow head, and a skinny body. So JB called her "Pinhead!"

To which Barbie replied "Brick Brains!"

This didn't help me at all with the laughing fit. And they continued laughing at each other, holding their heads and trying not to fall off the bed.

All this prompted an exploration for the correct term for each girl to use in describing the other girl's head. "Tootsie Pop," "Dum-Dum," and finally "Rosebud" were offered for Barbie, since she is basically a stick with a round thing on top.

The obvious ones for JB were offered as well -- "Pumpkin Head," "Concrete Skull," etc.

In the end, everyone had a good laugh because these two particular sisters get along extraordinarily well.

"Stupidhead" used to be the big bad name-calling name around here. For years it was the most condemning, horrible term you could use when referring to a sister.

Now, they just say "Genius." As in,

"Right, Genius, we're going skip church on Sunday morning and sleep in. While Daddy preaches."

Or "No, Genius, I want the phone so I can bang my head with it. Why do you THINK I want the phone?"

Or "No, Genius, I can't take a shower because YOU used all the hot water, thank YOU very much!"

I could go on and on. But I will say this: calling someone a genius is far better than calling them an overtly derogatory name. Even if you say it just dripping with sarcasm.

As in,

"No, Genius, I wasn't texting my friend, I was herding cats with the phone. You just keep all those ping pong balls underwater while I have me a Ham-a-lette."

xox

The Bunny Morphs into Barbie

Ok, so on Sunday we went shopping, Bunny and JB and I. We drove up to Civilization North, which is the less-taxable-different-state version of Civilization South.

However, Civilization North should not to be confused with Civilization Yankee. Civilization Yankee is where Grandma and Pappy live.

We went (to Civilization North) because Bunny found a dress online (basically the only way we can shop without driving long distances) at JCPenney. It was THE dress. It was beautiful. They had it at the JCP in the mall in Civilization North. She called and they put it on hold on Saturday. We told the JCP folks, "We'll come after there's no hurricane."

(hurricane? There was a hurricane? THAT was a hurricane? It makes me think of when we first moved to southern California from Indiana, and we heard "Winter Storm Warning!" on the TV. IT WAS RAINING. Four more years in SoCal confirmed to us that those people simply cannot drive in the rain.)

Anyway. Back to the dress.

We went. We found it. She tried it on.

IT WAS AWFUL.

I told her she looked as if she were trying to play dress up in something of mine. JB's comments were a little nicer -- she said "It's just not you."

The Bunny was unhappy. Then she got a headache.

Now, Bunny is the life of every party. When she was just 3 and Hunk O Man was dropping her off for childcare on Sunday, she peeked her head in the door and said in a voice that would rival Ed McMahon introducing Johnny Carson, "Hey, everybody! It's Bunny!" The party could now begin because she was there to coordinate it!

No kidding. We had our new Pastor and his wife over for pizza on Friday night, and she coordinated all the game playing and fun. She needs to be an event coordinator when she grows up.

But while shopping, she was not a Happy Bunny. JB tried to cheer her up and I gave her ibuprofen. We both told her we would die for her figure. That we loved her. That she was the favourite of all the sisters.

She tried on more dresses. So did JB. Unfortunately, JB is another 2" taller and has a fuller figure, if you know what I mean, wink wink. Everything they tried on (in a whiny voice) "looks better on JB."

So we finally found three dresses that looked fabulous on her. She settled on a lemon yellow short "bubble" dress with obnoxious jewels at the "umpire" waist. Initially she said she wanted me to tear them off and replace them with something else, but now I think she's getting used to them and likes them. JB found a beautiful prom dress for an incredible price, and we also found this pink sparkly strapless thing that I am determined to cut off and make into a bubble dress. And add straps. JB says that she will wear it for homecoming if we don't find her another dress.

Guess what. News flash! We're not looking for another dress.

So even though Bunny was a bit distressed, a bad day shopping with her is better than a great day shopping with OCD-obsessed Rose. I don't know what Rose is doing about her homecoming dress, but I vow to send someone else shopping with her. I love my Rose to death, and I love spending time with her just hanging out, or cooking, or watching movies, or going places. But shopping, no. She is not a shopper.

Shopping is a family event that should only be coordinated by The Bunny.

Hey! Maybe I should send her boyfriend's mom with her! They love her to pieces, and she'd rather spend time over there than here. Shopping would be a great experience for them!

So the upshot of all this shopping is that I have resolved to call Bunny "Barbie" now. Especially after watching her play tennis yesterday. Rose, JB, and Bunny all play tennis, and they all wear the same tennis uniform. They play hard, and they look great.

But Bunny is the one who has the cute earrings, the necklace that matches, and that blonde ponytail swinging behind her matching visor.

So Barbie it is. My little Barbie Doll. The life of the party.

PR Dish

STELLA! STELLA! STELLA!

Leatha Stella is OUT! Whatever the leatha shall we do? My leatha heart is just breaking!

She said to Heidi as she left, "Well, my ego was a little too big for this place." In the words of our Bunny, "true dat."




She made a nice outfit with a leather cape, which made the whole thing just look silly:



for the legendary Diane Von Furstenberg's new collection, based on a "spy" look:







(is it me, or is this woman's speaking voice just AMAZING? I could listen to her talk all day long. She could easily replace Edward Hermann's voice putting me to sleep every night)



LeAnne won with this -- I like LeAnne, and I hope she gets into the top 3 --





Although I had a hard time deciding whether or not Korto got robbed of a win with this:




because it looks very DVF from her runway collection. But I'm not wild about Korto as a person, so there you go.

Suede, the one with the blue mohawk, made this:

to which I replied with this:

I think Stella's outfit was better. But I do like Mr. 'Speaks of Himself in the Third Person' Suede, so I'm glad he's not out.

I really think that being out has more to do with whether or not your outfit was good enough and whether the leftover people constitute "good tv."

Talk about subjective.

On a whole 'nother subject, thanks everyone for the giveaway comments! I'll choose one via Random Integer Generator tomorrow around 3PM, and I'll have a recipe for you!

And I am loving the Alternate Day Diet! 6 lbs. so far! Wa-hooey!

No Blogging Allowed

Oh! The sewing to be done!

Angry Frog is not amused. I'd better get going. That will be me you see, chained to the sewing machine, at the mercy of my children, let go only to make pizza tonight.

:)

xoxox

It's Contagious

The craft virus is catching around here.

So What's on Your Fridge?

I think a fridge can say a lot about a family. I'm curious to know what's on yours.

Mine actually contains some truly fantastical, almost magical things --

Like the amazing, invisible, color-coded Chore Chart:

The Bible Verse that Nobody Ever Sees Anymore:

The Coolest of the Cool Uncles, my brother The Droid:

The Never-ending Project List:

The Ever-Changing Grocery List:

The Magnetic Words that form Ridiculous Sentences:

Earnest T:

Hunk O Man Many (Skinnier) Years Ago:

Comic Relief:

And always, Chocolate on Top.

So what does your fridge say about you?

xox

Finally!

Finally there's something on television. And it's SPECTACULAR!

I'm sitting here watching that US Cellular commercial, seeing Mr. Cuty McCuteCute smiling yet again. The commercials are getting old, but the Olympics just keep it coming.

Hunk O Man repeated again tonight, for the zillionth time, "I love the Olympics."

We're hearing a lot of "YESSSSSSSS!" and "Stink!" "Stinkin Puke!" "Whoa!" "Ma-ah-ah-an."

He does love the Olympics. He watches everything. He called me today just to tell me that Blake upset Federer in tennis.

I was trying to get the internet connection up and going again, after endless restarts and recycles of the modem and router. And about 45 minutes on the phone with the cable company.

(I didn't really care so much at that point who won at Olympic tennis)

And then there's Michael Phelps, teenage girls drooling, and all of us shouting "No way! No way! He did it! He did it again!" to the television. We love the green "world record" line. How cool is that? All the swimmers are breaking records. I personally think that pool is really just clear blue snot and their suits are all made of oil that has coelesced onto their bodies permanently. Where else would we get the phrase "slicker than snot?"

And always entertaining: watching the swimmers adjust their goggles.

I admit I was even impressed when the Chinese girls won the gymnastics. Their tiny bodies just look so beautiful as they do those layout back flips. It's a moment when you look up at God and say "Whoa." The beauty -- it's breathtaking. Like sculpture that's come alive.

And Bela Karoli is definitely the comic relief. I honestly think they have him on just because he's good tv! Hunk O Man keeps saying "I vant to suck your blood" everytime they have him on. The man can barely stay in his seat, and I loved it when he nonchalantly commented on the underage Chinese gymnasts. Pretty hilarious.

We took a break last night and watched Project Runway. We are all addicted, even Hunk O Man.

And so here's the dish: I didn't think Kelli deserved to be out. I was much less impressed with Blayne's outfit. However, Blayne is Mr. Whine About My Fake Tan Fading and makes for better tv than Kelli, apparently. Ultimately I think Daniel should have gone right out the door with his "impeccable good taste."

This won. I like Keith, and I guess it's nice.

But I really liked this better. It was Stella and Jerrell's.

JB and Bunny LOVE PR and they have been spouting PR-ese all day. And this thanks to

"Leatha Stella:"

Non of us can stand this woman (or her designs), but it is hilarious to hear the girls talk about "leatha." Or "leathuh." Today as they cleaned the kitchen I laughed and laughed as I heard, in a perfect Brooklyn accent by JB, the endless commentary regarding the leatha dishes in the leatha dishwasher and the leatha counter and leatha sponge.

It was definitely a leatha moment.

OK, back to tonight's Olympics, and swimming. I just saw Ryan Lochte win a gold medal in backstroke.

I honestly don't think they made'em this good looking when I was a kid.

Be still my beating heart.

What an amazing week of television!

What are you watching?

They've Taken Over. Somebody Help Me.

Lord have mercy.

Makeup, toothpaste, squirt gun, hairbrush. Teenage girls have been here.

Tennis stuff everywhere. Teenage girls have been here.

Dirty dishes not done yet. Whose week is it? Teenage girls have been here.

Rock Band has overrun my living room.

HAS SCHOOL STARTED YET?

Shopping with Hunk O Man

Today, if I can ever get Hunk O Man outta bed (it's 12:30PM and he's still sleeping!), we're going to look at Honda scooters. For me!

I saved us so much money in taxes that I asked for one and he said maybe. Plus, I will finally be able to get back and forth to Lowe's and Wal-Mart, the only two places to shop in my town.

We do have a new Tractor Supply store. Which Hunk O Man told me yesterday is really more of a hardware store, so that may top my list before long. I love me a good hardware store, especially the ones with the little screws and nuts in sizes you can't find anywhere else.

I also want to head over to Lowe's and get shelving. I have an idea to STOP THE MADNESS which is constant between Babydoll and JB, who share a room. I want to put shelving on all four of their walls, about a foot below the ceiling. This will serve two purposes: first, it will get all their crap stuff off the floor. Secondly, it will enable Babydoll to put all her crap stuff on the shelf so she can access things while on the top bunk.

I also want to head over to the local carpet place to check out remnants for their room.

And today is the deadline for the girls to finish pricing all the garage sale stuff. Which I believe, in fact, they haven't even started. I guess they'll be busy today.

And just FYI -- especially for you, Queen B -- while shopping yesterday in Bed Bath and Beyond with Hunk O Man, on our big trip to Sam's in the City, he said this:

"You know, if they had those Sham-Wow thingys, I think I'd buy one."

You Thought I Was Kidding, Didn't You?

Nope. Totally Serious.

This is what Hunk O Man has. He hates driving the van.